It feels like it and sounds like it, but it is not the same.

Validation tells us we are right, while advice tells us something much harder. Advice tells us that we are confused, misguided or just plain wrong.

Increasingly, we prefer the safety and satisfaction of validation, which affirms our beliefs and provides the reassurance we are on the right path.

We do not ask ourselves, much less anyone else, questions that will lead us to some new discovery or understanding. We actively avoid conversations that will challenge our thoughts, lead to a new way of thinking or cultivate new experiences.

Instead, we make statements and proclamations, expecting others to agree with our position. We chase directness and honesty, but only when it flatters.

We surround ourselves with affirming voices, calling it support.

We scroll past contradictions, calling it self-care.

We avoid discomfort, calling it boundaries.

Such actions create the illusion of honesty, leaving the ego untouched, along with any capacity to expand our empathy, achieve self-growth or broaden our horizons.

Under such conditions, anyone who challenges our thoughts can be easily labelled as rude, while anyone who casts doubt can be quickly labelled a traitor.

But without challenge, we do not learn. Without discomfort, we do not change. Without change, we remain exactly where we are, more confident but not wiser.

It is remarkable how incapable we are of understanding that civil discourse makes necessary distinctions between: being heard and being agreed with; being supported and being indulged; and being affirmed and being made accountable.

We should not seek an ever-larger pool of voices that echo our opinions and positions, but rather voices that trouble, stretch and tell us things we would rather not hear.

But this is not the pursuit, nor the endorsement, of cruelty. Indeed, part of our progress towards adulthood should be an understanding that a disagreement is not bullying.  

Disagreement can be a type of care, albeit of a more complex kind, which communicates the desire for a deeper connection and honest conversation.

If we are serious about being deep and honest, if we want personal growth and social progress, we must stop asking, “Do you agree with me?” and start asking, “What am I missing?”

From my own experience, real growth rarely feels like validation, but is instead replete with the discomfort, friction and unease that would be expected from a metamorphosis.

Seeking advice is about embracing humility, accepting limitations and acknowledging we are unlikely to have all the answers.

Accepting that advice is even more uncomfortable, but necessary for mental clarity and authenticity.