Kindness is more than what it seems.

Increasingly, the word is used to soften the edges of discomfort, seeking to shield us from disagreement and prevent confrontation. In this form, it becomes less about connection and more about control. It demands that we do not challenge, question or make anyone feel uneasy, even when it might be required to arrive at a fact or truth.

We are encouraged to prioritise emotional safety over intellectual honesty. While the result can be a polite conversation, it can be suffocating, leading people to fear not just being unkind, but being perceived as such. They hold their tongue, retreat from difficult conversations and doubt whether saying what they think is worth the risk.

But kindness was never meant to be safe.

Indeed, the word “kind” comes from the same root as “kin” and “kindred.” It once referred to nature, to likeness and the ties that bind us all together. That is, our membership in humankind. To be kind was to recognise our shared humanity. As such, being kind should not be a requirement to treat others with excessive gentleness, but rather with the honesty and care we might offer a sibling, parent or friend.

In this sense, kindness is not the opposite of conflict, nor is it the suppression of truth. It is the willingness to stay connected with someone even when that truth might be challenging, hard or inconvenient. Indeed, we should all be able to recognise that it is not unkind to disagree, nor is it cruel to ask questions. If anything, it is an act of respect and recognition that the person we are talking to is capable of hearing something honest, real or true.

Indeed, when people ask for kindness, what they might be asking for is absolution. That is, they want others to forgive the things they struggle to forgive in themselves. The moments when they have been careless, contradictory, cowardly, hypocritical or wrong. They want to be seen as good, even when they feel, if not know, they are unworthy of claiming such a title.

Of course, there is no shame in that, but kindness is unable to deliver what guilt demands: contrition, accountability, and ultimately, making amends.

This does not mean we should abandon kindness, but we should demand more of it, ensuring it has greater depth and nuance. This begins with being able to withstand discomfort and having sufficient strength to tell the truth.

Because a kindness that avoids all conflict is not kindness at all.

It is just fear, masquerading as virtue.